NOTE: According to a standard disclaimer on the website this comes from, this story is a satire or parody and "entirely fictitious". You could have fooled us.
Monsanto Demands Ban On Honesty
The Spoof, 23 April 2007
St. Louis, MO: Perhaps taking a cue from the brave leader of our nation, Monsanto Company has written to FDA and FTC demanding that milk producers be blocked from telling the truth.
Monsanto produces and sells an artificial hormone which increases milk production from dairy cows when given to them. However, the US is the only industrial nation in the world where the hormone is approved for use. It has been banned in most other countries. An increasing number of US milk producers have refused to use the hormone for health reasons and notifying the public of that fact by using slogans like: 'Our Farmer's Pledge: No Artificial Growth Hormones'.
It is very unusual for a multinational biotech company to demand MORE government regulation, but that is exactly what Monsanto is now doing. The company contends is is 'deceptive and misleading' for anyone to claim they DO NOT use the hormone known as recombinant bovine somatotropin (rBST).
'Those darned farmers and dairymen are out to get us by publishing actual facts,' said Monsanto spokesman Andrew Burchett, 'and, we are looking to our government regulators to provide us protection.'
'We produce the hormone by combining cow DNA with E Coli bacteria, and before you must ask, yes, it's *that* E Coli bacteria. But it is totally unnecessary and uncalled for to share that information with the public. Our artificial hormone is approved by FDA. We made darned sure of that by hiring a couple of their top staffers and providing them with dream jobs and salaries in the stratosphere. We now deserve and expect some protection for our investment.'
'It is an artificial argument for users to claim they do not use our artificial hormone just to improve the marketability of their more natural products,' said Burchett, 'and I must tell you our company resents that very much. If we have to, we are completely willing and prepared to go to court to block anyone's freedom of speech on this issue.'
'After all, nothing at all must be allowed to stand in the way of our deserved profits and CEO compensation. Least of all some bogus and trumped up issue like human health.'
The FDA and FTC are expected to grant Monsanto's ban on free speech in accordance with current policies of the Bush administration.
The story above is a satire or parody.
It is entirely fictitious.