as it's Sunday...
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MONSANTO TO SUE GOD
In a surprise move today, Eugene Bastard, Execuive Director of Breathtaking Chutzpah Operations at Monsanto, the biotech giant already planning to include Terminator-Junkie genes as copyright protection measures in its commercially available grain, has filed suit against God (48 billion), for "a major breach of intellectual copyright". "He may be the Supreme Being," said Mr Bastard, 53, at a press conference at Monsanto's corporate headquarters in St Louis, "but He can't just behave as if He owned the whole darn shooting party. After all, we've got George Dubya but who elected Him? It's about time He left creation to the trained professionals."
The dispute centres on allegations of grand larceny involving patented genes isolated solely by Monsanto. According to company sources, Monsanto has evidence that these are being surreptitiously incorporated into organisms which are then presented as part of God's own creation.
"Look at it this way," said Mr Bastard, "We make a gene available in an organism at a price, and what happens? God comes along and without a 'by your leave' starts sneaking it into related but unlicensed product lines -- as clear a breach as you could get of our exclusive property rights."
COMMANDER IN CHIEF
The move was immediately welcomed by President George Dubya Incitatus Bush, who said there was only room for one Supreme Being and the Florida courts had already settled that -- a sentiment echoed by Vice President Prick Cheney.
Applause has also come from Professor Den Be'elzebub Verybigliar of the Whackamole Institute, an expert in International Fodder Affairs, following a prolonged affair with a Twinkie. Last night Professor Verybigliar said, "It's nothing short of a disgrace that this so-called Supreme Being, a self-confessed organic terrorist, should dare to interfere with an honest American corporation's right to make gazillions at the expense of the poor.
"Why should God get all the credit for keeping millions in poverty when US corporations have already demonstarted they can do it it so much more efficiently?"
Professor Verybigliar's son, Damien Verybigliar, a noted academic at the Sadson Institute, added, "Whatever my dad says. Hey dad, has my allowance arrived from Monsanto?"
COMPETITIVE
The general euphoria was echoed by Herr Doktor Friedrich Goebbels von Kranko, founder of the Repetitive Excrement Institute, who said, "Ze free ubermarket vill alvays vin against ze deity, vhen vun invisible hand arm wrestles vith ze uzzer. Ze strong vill triumph. AMERIKA UBER ALLES!"
Pausing only to wipe foam from his lips, Herr Kranko continued, "Ve haff ze scholarship in ze Repetitive Excrement Institute, ve haff ze finest brains in ze land, vorking on ze free ubermarket solutions to environmental problems. Our genius, Mikhail Fermentov, is theorising about how ve kann save ze elephant by raising zem on farms und selling zem to MacDonald's. No vun can say ve are not a font of fresh und highly original ideas. Please, Mr Bastard, may I haff my grant now?"
BIRDBRAIN
Across the Atlantic, celebrations have been only marginally more muted. Prof Sir John Crabs of the Organic Food Undermining Council (OFUC) said, "Of course, this move is worthy of our fullest support, as it is American and as it is wholly supportive of the biotechnology industry -- I mean, as it will clarify a number of labelling issues of vital importance to the consumer."
An official OFUC press spokesperson later commented, "This lawsuit is a timely reminder that the use of such tags as "pure" and "God's own" may all too easily mislead the UK consumer who may be quite unaware that such claims have been rendered devoid of all meaning."
Prime Minister Blair added, "The folks at Monsanto are, well, look, you know, kind of terrific, aren't they? And if they're having to say to God, 'Hang on a minute, haven't you kind of overstepped the mark here?', then I think, you know, it's very important the UK is prepared to play a full part in supporting that."
DERANGED
Meanwhile, Professor Falafel Stoat of the London School of Doing Whatever Washington Wants, enthused, "So much for the organic myth as deconstructed by Fontanelle et al. It's all on my pro-biohype website. There you can read the truth about biotech, about horrible slimy organic food, and about God. For instance, why all this bible-hype about some whining new age eco-nerd who had sex with his mother leaving her to give birth to a baby he claimed to be himself? Things will be far better organised now we stand upon the mountain top of biotech -- for starters, we can cut out all the messy stuff!"
SORRY
A number of spokespeople claiming to be part of the deity's PR operation said they were certain God would not want to do anything that might upset a fine upstanding corporation selflessly feeding the hungry billions who found themselves in a world otherwise devoid of food.
The very last thing God would want, they added, would be to make a stand over anything like a fundamental point of principle. False claims as to originality were also something He'd strenuously wish to avoid.
Despite all the conciliatory noises coming from the other side, however, Monsanto has already ruled out any kind of out of court settlement. "We'll go all the way on this one," said Eugene Bastard, "This guy's been pretty uppity till now, let's not forget. So, quite frankly, He's had it coming!"